The most brain-scarring conflict that I've ever encountered thus far was the time when I was involved in a squabble with my church friend, Fabian. We grew up together within the same social circle - playing soccer, hanging out and were involved in church youth activities too. In a particular year, we were both serving in our church funfair organizing committee where I was the chair person.
On one occasion, I was on the phone with another friend. Somehow or another, our conversation topic led to Fabian. Certain things were best left confidential although I recalled that my sharing was neither malicious nor conceited and it was not intended to derogate Fabian. However, the confidentiality of my sharing was breached and comments misunderstood. Initially, I was apologetic but it soon morphed into anger. There were many occasions in which I tried to explain myself but Fabian just wouldn't listen. Whenever we bumped into each other, we'll either pass snide remarks or scoffed at each other. Over a short time, our friendship deteriorated to a point where friends within our social circle were implicated too. As a result, there was a great divide among our friends and the majority took sides with Fabian.
This conflict occurred at a crucial time when it was a couple of weeks before the funfair and there were still a number of issues to be addressed. In addition, this didn't help when there was a schism within the organizing committee which comprised of the people involved in the conflict.
If you were me, what would you do to ensure that all the administrative and logistical matters are settled so that the funfair would run smoothly?
Hi Mario! The misunderstanding between you and Fabian seemes really bad=( But first things first:The upcoming fun fair. Firstly, maybe you could meet up with Fabian alone and stress on the importance of your friendship with him and that you guys should set aside the negative feelings and concentrate on making the fun fair a success. Both you and Fabian should then speak to your respective "cliques" and urge them to set aside the negative feelings and manage the fun fair like mature adults. As the chair person of the committee, you could then call for a meeting to discuss the administrative and logistical matters.During the meeting, you could be frank and honest with the rest about your issue with Fabian that resulted in the split within the committee but at the same time stress the importance of team work which is the key to smooth execution of the fun fair.
ReplyDeleteCheers
Cassandra
Hello Mario,
ReplyDeleteLooks like it was the worst situation a leader could be in at a very crucial stage of planning the funfair. But, i guess its important that everyone learns to draw a line between professional and personal issues. Firstly, you should confront Fabian and tell him that you have made a mistake and would like to make up for it.
However,as matured individuals, both of you should learn to put this issue aside and work together on the funfair which is a more pressing issue at the moment. The success of the funfair has to be ensured as the reputation of your church is at stake. Definitely, both of you would not want to be the cause for the failure of the funfair.
You should then gather everyone for a meeting to address the problem between you and Fabian and explain that working as 2 big cliques will only cause discord. Afterwhich, you should be firm in allocating the various administrative and logistics duties to your members as time is running out.
Cheers,
Rathi
Dear Mario,
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing such a personal story. It must have been hard to have a relationship deteriorate so disastrously.
You mentioned that there were many occasions in which you tried to explain yourself. However, sometimes people will refuse to listen to what you have to say until their anger has been sated. To put it plainly, explanations are useless unless preceded by an apology.
I know that there was no malicious intent behind what was said initially, and the situation may have been not your fault at all. But regardless of what caused the conflict, your friendship has been broken due to something you said, and that is something that you are very sorry for. Sometimes, humility calls us to swallow our pride, and accept the blame for what someone else did. After all, isn't that what Jesus did for you?
I think that the best way to resolve such a situation is to apologise publicly and unreservedly at the next group meeting. It is important that such an apology is unreserved, without any excuses or mitigating reasons, because an angry person will see that as an insincere apology. Apologise, ask for forgiveness from Fabian as well as the entire team, and ask them to work with you towards your common goal.
I know that what I suggest is tough, and I honestly don't know whether I would have the strength to do the same. But the reason we are called to live in communities is so that our brothers and sisters can give us good advice, and help us make tough choices.
I do hope that your relationship with Fabian has gotten better now.
God bless,
Benjamin